You Say You're A Conservative And You Want To Run A Campaign?

We've posted a lot about how to run for higher office if you're a progressive sort of person (http://www.criminalizeconservatism.com/2014/10/the-gop-pests-or-parasites.html#uds-search-results) but we've completely neglected the Cons!

So in the interest of fair play, let's see what it takes for a Conservative to run for a U.S. Senate seat.

First, you fall in love with your own voice.  Then you explain your nation's history, all the while telling yourself, "I am not a criminal. I am not a criminal...

"Tom Cotton says people with pre-existing conditions were 'happy' before Obamacare."

Attribution: Gage Skidmore/Creative Commons

"Here's a new one: 'Many people were happy' before Obamacare, when their pre-existing health problems kept them from getting private insurance. That's what Republican Tom Cotton said, anyway, in Tuesday's debate with Sen. Mark Pryor in the Arkansas Senate race. Cotton said that the previous coverage for these folks, high-risk pools set up in some of the states, was better than insurance bought on the exchanges..."

Then if you're the same guy, you come up with a plan that reflects your underlying (no pun intended! Honestly!) principles...

"Tom Cotton wants to restore bank profits in federal student loan programs."



"In 2010, Democrats cut the middle man—the banks—out of federal student loans. Federal loan subsidies that had been going to banks instead started going to things like increasing Pell Grants and strengthening Income-Based Repayment programs. Republicans started screaming about a federal takeover of a federal program. It's now 2014, and Arkansas Rep. Tom Cotton is rehashing that Republican myth about student loans dating from 2010:

"Republican Tom Cotton said during an Arkansas U.S. Senate debate on Tuesday that 'Obamacare nationalized the student loan industry.'

"The first-term congressman added, 'That's right, Obamacare grabbed money to pay for its own programs and took that choice away from you.'

"Damn Obamacare, grabbing federal money back from banks to expand federal student aid...'"

Then you attack the unavoidable truthful statements from the Other Side, ESPECIALLY if the truth hurts your wealthy benefactors...



And be sure to let the pros show you the way to success...



Because they've read Machiavelli and stuff...



But most of all, you need to go back to school and take a few "refresher courses" in how not to get caught with your foot in your stupid mouth...

"Inside the GOP's 'secret school' on how to not become the next Todd Akin."



"If you are the Republican official in charge of making sure that your party's nominees didn't end up becoming the next Richard Mourdock or Todd Akin, what would you do? Yeah, yeah, I know—you'd look in the mirror and wonder where your life went wrong. But apparently in the non-hypothetical world of the GOP in 2014, the answer is to start a school teaching campaigns how to handle media in the digital age, and they invited CNN inside:

"Night after night, Republicans are going back to school in an effort to build a new army of communications operatives for the Twitter age.
"The courses at 'Comms College' -- the GOP's secret training ground for social media-savvy communications staffers -- are taught in a sterile conference room on Capitol Hill. Students are instructed that the modern news cycle, fueled by the disruptive power of the web and constantly-filing reporters, has no patience for old political playbooks."

"So their prescription is less about rebranding the GOP by adopting modern ideas, it's about rebranding the GOP by getting better at Twitter, Facebook, and maybe even Snapchat..."

And finally, good Conservatives make sure that no one fixes the vote...



...because the voters are all paying attention to what you say and do!




Wasn't that easy?  If you're a Conservative you have to get your message out there by hook or crook because there are certain types of voters who eat up your messages of fear and hate.

If you can't be intolerant, obstructionist, or Conservative enough, you just aren't doing it right.

Maybe we better change the law and...


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

''I have six times as many Twitter followers as all the other candidates combined, but it
didn't count because if it counted I'd still be a candidate; since I can't be a candidate that
can't count.''

(GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, complaining that the press was ignoring his
prodigious Twitter following, which had numbered over 1.3 million people. More than 90%
of those followers, however, turned out to be fake — the result of Gingrich's campaign
hiring a firm to boost his follower count by creating dummy accounts en masse. August 1,
2011.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------